(CU Independent graphic/Adam Milner)
Whether you know what UCSU is, have heard of it, or are in it, chances are you have no idea what the acronym really means.
Some say it stands for the “University of Colorado Student Union,” while other say, “What is that?” Student opinion on campus varied as they tried to guess what the acronym stands for.
UCSU, or “U Can’t Stop Us,” is a group on campus masking its true intentions by casually—and effectively—playing the role of a student union. In reality, UCSU is using students to help them reach their true goals of domination in the state of Colorado, as well as several small towns in Wyoming (research is still pending on why they are seeking dominion over towns like Beulah, which has a population of 33).
Andrew Brank, a 21-year-old senior astrophysics major, said he first heard of the group through a recruitment ad on Craigslist.
“I was looking for a new train set when I saw [UCSU’s] ad,” Brank said. “Is this some sort of militia? It’s not like these territories are unclaimed; plus, how do you take over a city anyways? I don’t get it, but the fact these guys are around really scares me.”
“Unintentionally Copping Student Umbrellas” is a group unlike any other on campus. Little was known of what went on in the group, until the last rainstorm. One student found out first-hand just how devious members of this group are.
Samuel Smith, a 20-year-old junior dance major, said he fell victim to the group.
“I was walking to the UMC from Math 100 when it happened,” Smith said. “Some guy ran past me and snatched my umbrella. It all happened so fast. I got pretty wet afterwards, and then had to buy a new umbrella—that really sucked. I don’t get how that was unintentional either.”
Tuesday nights at 8 p.m. by that (sort of) big tree near Varsity Lake is where “Unmasked Children Supporting Underdog” meet. One group member gave some insight into the group.
“Well, you see, we really like Underdog,” said Elena Costello, a 19-year-old freshman English major. “That cartoon was so great that I used to wear a mask all the time, pretending to fly around my house and be just like him! Then it came to the point where the mask started negatively affecting my life. It had to stop. This is sort of a support group for students that went through the same thing I did.”
“Underrated Cool Students Undertow” is a group that has been receiving almost no attention. Group members are self-proclaimed “cool” and as the name suggests, underrated. In what ways, one can only assume. The group itself is virtually unheard of, which is surprising considering the copious amount of members.
Susannah Greenwood, a 19-year-old sophomore English major, admitted being a member and said the group has been trying to gain recognition to no avail.
“UCSU is for all the cool kids that aren’t appreciated,” Greenwood said. “We do totally cool stuff all the time, but we always go unnoticed. Any time someone does see our awesome feats, they downplay it like it was no big deal. I rescued five puppies from a burning building, finished a liter of Jack Daniels and aced my Calc 3 final all in one night; all I got was a pat on the back.”
This enigma shrouded in mystery may never be fully comprehended. Students say this group has been around longer than CU itself, but little empirical data supports this. With only rumors to guide one to the true meaning of “UCSU,” perhaps one day, in the far future, one student with an IQ comparable to Einstein will unravel this riddle.
*Happy April Fool’s Day! This story is a work of fiction created by the CU Independent staff for your enjoyment and any reference to groups, places or people is an unintentional coincidence.*
Contact CU Independent Entertainment Editor Adrian Kun at Adrian.kun@colorado.edu.
