Disclaimer: All people, places, and events in this piece are presented in a fictional manner.
Whether or not we act like it, we’re all adults here — complete with homework and anxiety. If you’re feeling stressed or detached, it can really help to meet people on campus and have friends who will be there for you. Just follow these steps, and you will soon become enviously popular.
- Be kind
This is the simplest step, yet it’s the hardest for many. Kindness begets kindness, and if everyone was just sweet and considerate to each other, the world would be a better place. I get it — sometimes you’re just having a bad day, or you are shy, or it’s cathartic for you to be vicious to Starbucks employees because you’re miserable in your own life, and that’s the only outlet for your pent up emotions. But here’s something else: there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t smile and laugh with your classmates and professors. Enjoy yourself and have fun. Your classmates will recognize and appreciate your energy.
- Remember people’s names
Another simple step, but one that’s hard for most people to get right. This is something I struggle with — I’m often afraid to speak directly to my psychology classmates because I forgot which one is Kayla, which is Kayleigh and which is McKeighleigh — but improvement takes practice. Try to attach a name to a face. You can directly ask for their name or attentively listen to whatever their professor calls them. If those don’t work, maybe when you’re turning in papers, linger and wait for your peers to turn in theirs and glimpse their cover page. Then, stare them down and take note of every single detail that will tell you even an ounce about their life — the pockmarks from their adolescent acne, the stress marks from their parents’ divorce, the way their eyes stare into the abyss — then look back again at their paper to make sure you have their name correct (repetition is key for memory).
It’s difficult to make friends or be associated with your peers if you can’t remember their name. You’re probably not going to say hi to a classmate if you don’t know their name, (what would you call them?) much less have deep conversations or exchange social media. Follow this step, and just like that, you’re going to start knowing more and more students.
- Be active on campus
Besides dorming and attending class, the best way to meet people on campus is to be active and engaged in extracurricular activities. There are 40-something official clubs just at the UMC, and each organization has its own members and community. There are also intramural sports, on-campus jobs, volunteering opportunities and even Greek life. These extracurriculars don’t even include “extracurriculars” like Tinder or Hinge. Once you start meeting people in these friendly settings, you can form relationships based on shared, non-academic interests, and if you’re meeting those people in a larger group, you suddenly have a like-minded friend group.
If you’re a white straight male struggling to meet like-minded people at this liberal cesspool of a University, there’s always a place for you at Resurrection Church or Turning Point USA. Being engaged on campus helps our community and your popularity!
- Linger around highly visible, highly trafficked areas of the university, study every person that passes and memorize their face and mannerisms. When someone walks by who you may vaguely recognize from class or your 16 different clubs, don’t be afraid to smile and say hello. Next, follow them to their home, and wait around the corner for another chance encounter. You will have them saying, “haha, what a coincidence we’re practically next-door neighbors!” in an instant.
My favorite place to linger is the first-floor entrance of the UMC.
- Sell cocaine
It’s a dog-eat-dog world, but rest assured this guide shows the easiest ways to make friends on campus.
Contact CU Independent Arts Staff Writer Sam Metivier at email@example.com.