“Honey, I think I broke Facebook”

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A sense of comfort washes over me as I enter my parents’ house for the holiday break. I walk through the front door and smell a home cooked meal. The joy in me is so overwhelming that I set down my suitcase right then and there. I open my arms for a Hallmark-esque group hug while sentimental greetings of how much I missed everyone pour out of my mouth.

Instead of a reciprocating warm embrace, I am met with a laptop thrust into my arms and my mom’s concerned voice saying “Honey, I think I broke Facebook. Can you fix it?”

After typing in my mom’s password, successfully “fixing” Facebook, I am faced with so many Facebook faux pas that I don’t know what to do with myself. With an expression of horror painted across my face, I scroll down her wall and realize she is not the only one making such blatant offenses. The entire adult population has conspired to frustrate the younger Facebook generation, and they will stop at nothing to make sure their mission is accomplished.

First of all, nothing is written in the right place. For example, my uncle’s last three statuses were “How are you?”, “Are you still coming to dinner tonight?” and “Cool picture!”

What I now realize is that my uncle types everything from wall posts, picture comments, and chat messages into his status text box with the logic that it will all end up in its rightful place by itself.

This is because those over the age of forty are under the impression that computers specialize in mind reading.  You can try to correct them of this habit, but it will only result in more confusing statuses directed at you asking for help.

These statuses are made all the more confusing by the fact that their picture doesn’t reveal their identity. Facebook oldies feel the need to crop their profile pictures in the most awkward way possible so that their identity is impossible to discern. An extreme close-up of their face with their ear cut off is not flattering no matter the age, so why can’t more mature users simply drag the corners of the crop square a bit further?

I will tell you why. They don’t even know that’s an option. They sit staring at their sad profile, wondering why everyone else’s pictures are normal and full-sized. What sad internet lives they must lead.

On the off chance that they manage to find the correct place to write their message, don’t think that’s the end of their problems. They’ll still manage to make you facepalm with their unnecessary and excessive usage of the ellipses in their message.

A simple happy birthday message can go from standard to creepy in a matter of seconds with a few extra clicks of the period key.

For example, “Happy birthday, Jen!” becomes “Happy birthday, Jen…” as if they are lurking outside Jen’s apartment waiting to murder her, knowing that their message is ironic because this birthday will be her last.

I’ll chalk it up to old age making their hands shaky.

Due to the fear of inducing hostile Facebook retaliation from my elders, I will say this: if embarrassing both you and themselves on the internet is the worst thing those silly grown-ups are up to these days, then they’re probably pretty cool people.

If it really bothers you that badly, the next time your mom asks you to fix Facebook, conveniently forget her password and tell her the damage is beyond repair. Hopefully she’ll shrug it off and go knit something really pretty.

Contact CU Independent Staff Writer Lizzy Hernandez at Elizabeth.hernandez@colorado.edu.