After concerns voiced by students, staff and even Boulder County regarding the lack of social distancing seen on campus and around the city, here are forms of measurements that Boulder’s local government approved for you to use to help you determine if you’re properly socially distancing.
1. The length of your printed out, ungodly long history paper.
You know the one that your history professor continuously told you would be impossible to complete within a day so you heeded her advice and pulled an all-nighter?
2. Four and one third pizza slices that the person you’re distancing from continues to eat.
Sure, a box of pizza is good for consumption, but it’s even better for social distancing. Now people will know that you’re a force to be reckoned with. Ultimate social distancing power move. Nine out of 10 experts recommend it, and you get a tasty meal once you’re done social distancing.
3. The height of your ego horizontally placed down on the x-axis. You’ll find this one when you’re correcting your applied math professor about a forgotten negative sign.
This one is pretty self-explanatory. If you haven’t experienced this feeling, throw a good $1000 into a mathematics course that won’t apply to your degree for optimal results. You can boast to all your friends about how you’re a genius at math, perhaps on par with Einstein and Newton, how you’re better than everyone else in your class and how you’re smarter than your professor.
4. Three and a half barbecue skewers.
Another power move. Bonus points if you start fencing the person behind you with a skewer. They’re pointy. Use them to your advantage.
If you can manage to use all of these in one day, you’re officially a social distancing expert. At that point, you can toss in your resume for an internship with the CDC because you’re a creative genius at social distancing. Way to go. You did it, champ.
Contact CU Independent Staff Writer Jasleen Batra at firstname.lastname@example.org.