The Department of Psychology and Neuroscience released a new study on Wednesday, finding strong evidence that all those who you admire and cherish actually don’t like you at all. In fact, according to Abigail Becker, head of the study and avid bird enthusiast, all of your closest friends and family secretly talk behind your back as soon as you’re out of earshot.
“It turns out that every time you thought your friends were hanging out without you, they were. And they were having a lot more fun with you gone,” Becker said.
After conducting interviews with all of your friends and colleagues, Becker found that they only hang out with you because they genuinely feel sorry for you and “want to make you feel normal.”
“It’s not that you’re a bad person,” said your best friend, an avid bird enthusiast. “It’s just … you’re such a loser. And also you smell.”
The report continued with an in-depth analysis of your romantic opportunities.
Empirical data gathered from Snapchat show that every time you sent your crush, an avid bird enthusiast, a snap, your crush purposefully left you on read to flirt with your best friend. It also seems that the only person who likes you is “gross and has bad breath.”
The reasoning behind why everyone despises your fundamental existence is still being studied, though Becker said recent tests point largely to your incredibly low self-esteem and that weird thing you do with your mouth.
“Singular incidents of minor embarrassment—like the time you forgot to wear deodorant, the day you wore two different shades of black socks, and the time when you told a joke and nobody laughed—have piled on overtime and made you appear as a social outcast,” Becker said.
“Also you smell.”
Contact CU Independent Staff Writer Alex Mumm at email@example.com.