If your sex life is still limited to missionary position with the occasional doggy style, listen up: I want to introduce you to the wonderful world of BDSM–bondage and discipline, sadomasochism.
Now don’t run for your teddy bear, I know you’ve been reading “Fifty Shades of Grey” under your textbooks. It is not as scary as it sounds, and you would be surprised by how many people practice it. You might practice it without even realizing it. BDSM is any sort of sex act that plays with dominance and submission.
It could be anything from handcuffs, role playing, biting, hitting, strangling, playing with heat or cold or really any sort of expression of power in a sexy, consensual way. There is generally a top, a person who likes to take control during the sex scene, and a bottom, a person who likes to be controlled during the sex scene.
BDSM is one of the most stigmatized forms of sexual practice in our culture. It certainly doesn’t help that the little media attention that it does get portrays it in a negative light. The people who engage in it are either portrayed as rapists, like that guy in the gimp suit in “Pulp Fiction,” or as mentally unstable and deeply traumatized, like Isabella Rossellini’s character Dorothy Vallens in David Lynch’s “Blue Velvet.”
BDSM can be the most consensual form of sex out there, and people engage in BDSM for reasons other than dealing with trauma–because it’s fun, exciting and feels good. Who needs to jump out of an airplane when you can get an intense adrenaline rush in the bedroom?
A lot of people like pain because it is sexually stimulating. I know that pain and pleasure sound inherently contradictory, but pain and sex release similar chemicals in our brain that give the participants something similar to a “runner’s high.” Most people don’t find pain in itself sexually stimulating. If we practice it right with someone we trust, we know that it poses no threat to our physical well-being. It’s this controlled pain that we can ask for and expect.
A lot of people practice BDSM for the power dynamic. Pain might not sound sexy to you, but think about letting someone tie you up to have his or her way with you, or having someone submit to your desires.
Matthew Kiriazis, a 23-year-old junior anthropology major, practices power play in the bedroom.
“I really like the power dynamic because there is a clear line of who is in charge,” Kiriazis said. “It conveys a confidence that I think is necessary. Sometimes I get bored [with] sex if I feel like the person is not confident in herself.”
Power play can come in many different forms; your partner doesn’t always have to be the one in charge. Some people may not get feelings of control or confidence from day to day life, so they turn to sex for an outlet.
“I would say I am outgoing and have a dominant personality,” Alexa Frank, a 21-year-old junior theater major, said. “My friends always expect this from me, and it can be tiring always holding up this persona. Sex is an outlet where I can be submissive for once.”
BDSM can also be surprisingly therapeutic. I know we are all still a bit stressed out from midterms, and some of us are constantly struggling to maintain the balance between school and work. Your teachers won’t tell you, but BDSM can be a great way to deal with this stress.
“It is nice to be able to let go,” Frank said. “I am a theater major so my mind is constantly working a million miles a second, and it never turns off. I don’t have to think about anything when I am being dominated.”
Although a lot of being on the bottom is about losing control, if BDSM is practiced right, the bottom has more control than the top. The top works in order to please the bottom. He or she finds the other’s kinky turn ons to see how much pain the bottom can get off to. The point is to hurt them because it pleasures that person, not to harm them. The bottom has the power to say no at any time.
Some people want to be pushed a bit farther than they would normally go. This is where consent gets tricky. Luckily there is a handy dandy “stoplight” model for that. “Yellow” means slow down, loosen up the ropes a little bit or hit a little less hard. “Red” means stop everything, sex is over. Employ the cuddles! If somebody gets pushed a little too hard, they should be able to say red. But it’s up to the top to always try to read the bottom so they don’t ever have to say it.
There is also the ever-popular safe word that is the same as saying red. This word is good to have even in vanilla pursuits. Alexa Frank’s is “eco-system.” Mine is “grapefruit.” Pick something you will remember. If you have something in your mouth, snap your fingers or squeeze the other person’s hand. One for slow down, and two for stop everything. All of this has to be discussed prior to the act.
BDSM requires a lot of trust. I have heard many people say that one of the reasons they enjoy it so much is that they become closer to their lover because they built trust through their kinky experiences with one another.
Once any BDSM sex act is done, it is important to apply aftercare. Make all those sore spots feel good again. Apply Neosporin, kiss the bruises and make them feel loved. BDSM can be a very intense experience, and your partner may feel distant from you. Or they may need to come back to earth since they just launched into a new reality. Time to land the ship.
BDSM is not for everyone, but it’s an exciting new adventure that I recommend everyone try. Start out slow with maybe some handcuffs or a blindfold. But once you start, you might find yourself addicted.
Contact CU Independent Staff Writer Caitlyn Zimmer at Caitlyn.zimmer@colorado.edu.
1 comment
Great article Caitlyn. We’ve shared it with our FB fans!