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Crippling loneliness is bearable 364 days of the year. Once February 14 rolls around though, you can bet that all the single folk will exploit their solitary lifestyles just as much as happy couples will flaunt their sickeningly sweet partnerships. A holiday that was once abhorred for its exaggerated hype and commercialization of love can now be abhorred for the 35 Facebook statuses that read, “Looks like I have a Valentine’s date with Ben and Jerry tonight :(“.
Instead of doling out stereotypical consolations, I’ve compiled some alternatives for the single individual to do this Valentine’s Day. I’m not going to recommend a fun and fabulous girl’s or guy’s night out, nor do I suggest eating a box of chocolates while sobbing over a favorite rom-com. In fact, let’s nix the phrase “rom-com” from your vocabulary forever. With Cupid as my witness, I vow that this Valentine’s Day will be different for bachelors and bachelorettes. Think of all of the opportunity this day presents for a cynic like you. There is an abundance of delighted couples parading through the streets. Then there’s you. Your mission? Rain on their parade. Rain hard.
When you see a peppy couple hand in hand, begin your descent. They will likely be so engaged in their googly-eyed ogling of one another that they will never see you coming. Approach the gender of your choosing and repeat the following: “I’m sorry to do this right here, but I thought I should let you know as soon as possible that my test came back positive. You should probably let any of your other sexual partners know so they can make an appointment, too.” Give their significant other a brief, apologetic nod, and walk away.
Don’t worry about missing the scene behind you – I’ll paint an adequate visual. You know in those action movies when the super sly villain detonates an explosive device, and there’s that slow-motion shot of him walking away from a fiery building while effortlessly putting on his sunglasses? Yeah, it’s kind of like that.
To make the day more interesting, I have concocted a Valentine’s drinking game for you. Everytime you physically gag at the sight of a girl toting around a bouquet of Walgreen’s roses as if they were made of solid gold, take a drink. Play at your own risk, and I am not responsible for any alcohol poisoning that might ensue.
Finally, it’s time to prey on the weak and vulnerable: the first-time Valentine-er’s. Most high school sweethearts on this most amorous of days can be found making out in the booths of upscale, romantic restaurants like Chile’s and Ruby Tuesday’s. Don’t even bother with them; there’s nothing you can do to interfere with their lip-smacking slobber. You are looking for a different sort of couple – the kind who perhaps recently started dating or are just too awkward to sustain a functioning relationship.
Undoubtedly, the female first timer will drag her counterpart to some terrible romantic flick, and you will conveniently sit behind them. They can be spotted by profuse sweating and awkward armrest hand-holding. While the previews are going, lean forward and hiss, “Put the armrest down, kid. Put your arm around her like a real man.” Watch both individual’s ears turn red. As the movie progresses, occasionally lean forward and loudly whisper, “Are you going to kiss her? She probably wants you to kiss her.”
Watch both parties squirm with what could very well go down in history as the most awkward moment in both of their lives. Relish, rejoice, repeat. My only suggestion would be to try and avoid harassment charges or further infractions of the law.
I hope these tips make for the best solo Valentine’s Day you’ve ever experienced. That being said, this day is probably going to be a huge disappointment regardless of what you do. Perhaps that unifying misfortune experienced world-wide can be of a comfort to you, for bitter or for worse.
Contact CU Independent Staff Writer Lizzy Hernandez at Elizabeth.email@example.com.