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Hipster sightings have become rampant on Norlin Quad.
The subjects are said to be wearing disintegrating cardigans that they claim were salvaged from their grandfathers’ possessions. Plaid shirts are visible through the cardigans’ holes, and their skin-tight jeans reveal that the subjects are emaciated from their diets of black coffee and cigarettes.
While their non-prescription lenses—foggy from the steam of their hot beverages—made it difficult to discern which way the subjects were looking, it was speculated that they were snickering at the group of females to their right. These girls made the mistake of excitedly discussing the latest episode of Glee.
Experts in the field are warning onlookers to be careful, for the subjects’ apathy and condescension may strike at any time.
The hipster counterculture that has hit our nation is puzzling for many reasons.
Its premise of deviating from mainstream social norms is nothing new. The hippies, a term derived from ‘hipster,’ of the 70s fought the man, as well. The difference lies in the fact that hippies were promoting peace and freedom, while hipsters appear to be promoting superiority complexes and cheap beer.
The most confusing aspect about this phenomenon is the resistance of being labeled as a hipster when one is clearly displaying all symptoms.
Don’t think the stripes on your plaid shirt are hypnotizing me. You are a hipster. Own up to it. I can spot one faster than you can say “You’ve probably never heard of it.” I can see through your Buddy Holly-esque glasses to the core of your ironic soul.
Maybe if hipsters weren’t such assholes, they would be proud to admit to being one.
On the other hand, perhaps they can’t control their degrading behavior. Hipsters could have the desire to hoard their favorite musicians and pretend nobody has listened to their songs before transcribed in their genetic codes. Hostile debates over whose Polaroid camera is older could be as primal as cavemen fighting over the last piece of meat.
Hipsters strive with all of their obscure might to separate themselves from the masses and shy away from all things popular. However, the hipster fad is quite possibly the trendiest subculture at the moment. The fad, like most that appear through the decades, becomes a contradiction in itself.
If you or someone you know is victimized by a hip offender, do not crumble under their ridicule of your love for Top 40 radio and Abercrombie & Fitch. Fight back. Tell that belittling bully that you like their “vintage” T-shirt and were going to get the same one, but Wal-Mart was out of stock. They won’t be bothering you any longer.
In regards to those who fit the hipster stereotype, I urge you to keep your pretentiousness at a minimum. Your music taste is exceptional, your fashion sense is noteworthy, and your cultured understanding of the greatest movies, books, television shows and eating establishments is impressive.
Essentially, your conceit is earned—you just need a large dose of modesty to pull it off successfully.
Contact CU Independent Staff Writer Lizzy Hernandez at Elizabeth.firstname.lastname@example.org.