Cosmo sex tips are more like myths

(CU Independent graphic/Adam Milner)

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So, you picked up the most recent issue of Cosmo and decided you want to try the latest sex advice. You go into the kitchen, magazine in hand and begin to gather the necessary supplies for your sexcapade: spatula, Crisco and a metal spoon.

You can thank Cosmo later when your partner storms out of the house, a horrorstricken look upon their face and you have to make a trip to Target to replace your cooking utensils.

Every month, Cosmo feeds women absurd lies and inadequate sex advice. If you’re looking for tips to spice up your sex life, buying only one issue of the magazine will suffice, seeing as how Cosmo prints the same advice every month. You’d be better off reading a copy of the Rooster; at least you won’t be advised to try reverse cowgirl every time you’re looking to spice things up.

Cosmo should be used as an entertainment magazine, not a resource for the sex lives of women. Most times, Cosmo seems more like a men’s magazine than women’s, as cover stories are devoted to what men want in bed (or in the kitchen).

For example, the October edition has “Own His Orgasm” splattered across the front, when women should really own their own O and be in touch with their sexuality.

Becoming a reader of Cosmo was something to look forward to as little girls. We’d see glimpses of it in our mother’s purse, and then we’d make our Barbie and Ken dolls kiss like the models inside were doing.

As we got older, having a Cosmo in our possession was like a gift from the gods.

Girls, you remember the sophomore sleepovers. Reading Cosmo, trying your first water bra and strawberry daiquiri wine cooler, and daring your best friend to try to find her G-spot.

Now, as college students, we sit in our apartments, reading articles about how to hide our belly fat during sex, or how to become aroused using an ice cube from our Starbucks iced tall mocha.

The excitement of Cosmo is lost on us, and we’re left with the most bizarre sex and relationship advice. We spend $3.99 to read about 99 things we can do naked, how long-term relationships can be bad and how to turn our makeup products into items of stimulation.

News flash: driving a motor vehicle while naked will result in an indecent exposure ticket, Cosmo doesn’t know anything about long-term relationships and only a select few guys tend to enjoy mint-flavored lip-gloss on their penises.

Recently, I read an article in Cosmo about how to turn various places in my apartment into new sex hot spots. The article informed me that different rooms contained different items that could increase sexual arousal.

For example, by having sex in the shower, my boyfriend and I could lather each other up with my Pantene Pro-V conditioner (which seems like a total waste). Having sex on the stairs apparently provides extraordinary sex angles as well as rug burn. But Cosmo says that having sex in the kitchen takes the cake. My kitchen provides me with spatulas for spanking, rolling pins to rub over our bodies and a fridge to prop myself up inside.

I can only imagine the look on my roommates’ faces if they walked in on me naked, bent over in the fridge and being spanked with the spatula we use to cook pancakes with.

Ladies, Cosmo is not helping us in any way, shape, or form.

We’re getting awful and pointless advice. It’s time we become our own myth-busters and try to figure out our sex lives and relationships for ourselves. At this rate, Cosmo is only going to piss off your boyfriend and force your roommates to sublet out their rooms.

Read the magazine for how to properly apply a smoky-eye and to see which celebrities are copying Snooki’s bump, but don’t let the writers of Cosmo dictate your sex life. And please, keep your sex life out of the kitchen.

Contact CU Independent Staff Writer Lauren Archuletta at Lauren.archuletta@colorado.edu.