Do you know what it takes to be a man?

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Are you a man? No, not biologically; zip your pants up. I mean in the way that advertisers care about. Are you a man that buys things that men buy and acts in a way that men should act? If not, why not? Shouldn’t you want to act like a man?

Corporations certainly have no problems telling you how to be a man or, alternatively, a better man. During the most recent Super Bowl broadcast, we were told that real men drive Chargers, use Dove soap, roll on Old Spice deodorant and wear pants. We even had to listen to Jim Nantz tell us that men who don’t stand up to their wives while out shopping and demand that they watch sports instead are living without a spine; they’d be better off with a personal TV, so that they can ignore their spouses 24/7.

Wait, what? Since when does my deodorant type determine my gender? Since when, for that matter, would I want to ignore my girlfriend? That doesn’t make a lick of sense. It seems, though, that companies don’t care. They’ve realized that there is a lot of money to be made over telling men that they could be better men, because men fall for it hook, line and sinker.

I’m sick of it.

I drive a Subaru, use Lever 2000, shop with my girlfriend, and, occasionally, don’t wear pants. Last time I checked, though, I was a man (admittedly, I haven’t checked lately, but that’s because I’m wearing pants right now). Products, and the stereotypes that fuel their advertising, shouldn’t define genders and behaviors.

Here’s another example from a recent commercial. A man and a woman are on a date, and the woman lets slip some apparently dangerous words: “I love you.” The man smiles and tries to shake it off, but can’t escape the trap: He has to respond. He stumbles around the “L” word, and just can’t seem to make himself say it. Except, of course, when the waiter asks him if he’d like another Miller Lite, and the man has no problem saying, “I’d love one.”

Get it? Men are incapable of expressing love and emotion to another person, but boy howdy do they love their beer! Ha ha! Those silly men, always afraid of commitment.

Am I the only one that sees a problem with this? Am I the only one that isn’t going to take this sitting down? Men can’t cry, men can’t express their feelings, men can’t wear what they want… hell, men aren’t allowed to want hugs. Hugs, for God’s sake. Men are denied that small show of affection for one another unless it’s a “bro hug,” where the interpersonal connection is limited and you are judged for how hard you can pound your “bro” on the back.

In my opinion, just like women complain about being over sexualized in the media, the time has come for men to start complaining about being reduced to sex-crazed, beer-starved Neanderthals. Women rightly demand to be taken as more than a cup size, and so men should demand to be taken as more than a cup of beer.

Unfortunately, such morays have been so ingrained into our consciousness that they may be hard to change. Men have it pretty easy right now. They can simply claim that they’re bad at emotional issues and not have to deal with anything important. Many men will not want to change, because for them it is either not a big deal or it is simply not worth it to change. Well I am here to tell you that you should want to change.

Are you happy being the butt of countless jokes and being treated like you have second-class intellect? Do you want every woman you meet to look down on you in disgust, as if you are not worth conversation? Can you stand being pandered to by advertisers any longer?

I’m not, I don’t and I won’t stand for it any longer. I am a man. Not because I buy certain things or behave a certain way, but because I am standing up for my gender. Fellow pant-wearers, zip up those pants and join me.

Contact CU Independent Staff Writer Nathan Bellis at Nathan.bellis@colorado.edu.