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Dear Campus Security,
I don’t know if you remember me but we met about five years ago at a friend’s party in the dorms. I was drinking; you were writing me up.
I know that recently you’ve been forced to play bad cop as the university’s crack-down on campus transportation codes has you writing tickets like it’s your job—oh, wait. Anyway, besides being the guy (or gal) everybody loves to hate, now you have a slew of new annoyances to deal with each day: citing grumpy skateboarders with attitudes, assuring jaywalkers that, yes, you are serious, you can fine them for that, and pulling over (Or flagging down or chasing after? How do you do that anyway?) rogue, “aggressive” cyclists. Not exactly a walk in the park.
So, I wanted to write you a little note to say thank you. I, for one, appreciate the increased surveillance. I have a hard enough time waking up and getting to campus (every morning I tell myself I’ll walk, but I always end up driving the half mile) much less getting there only to be run over by some neon Volcom flash on wheels. And once I’m done with classes, my brain is so saturated with Shakespeare and contemporary art I can’t spare a single inch of it to consciously dodge bikers in the same state of mind.
And this week is the worst! Thanks to the X-Games, everybody is on a Shaun White kick, 1080ing here, Ollie-ing there, triggered by “Superman” flashbacks. This is not Aspen, you are not Simon Dumont, there is no gnar to shred here!
Now, you and I both know that there are plenty of respectful, cautious students on bikes and boards but for every wreck-free cyclist, there is a reckless one barreling over a seeing-eye-dog’s paw, and that’s obscene. So, though you’re receiving mixed reviews and tons of flack from students, I want to thank you whole-heartedly for keeping our streets clean. The only headache I want walking home is the kind from studying too much, not the kind from a head-on collision with a skateboard.
Contact CU Independent writer Stacy Parkinson at Stacy.Parkinson@colorado.edu.