Gaining sanity through independence
I was listening to my Ipod the other day and from the depths of its hard drive rose Tammy Wynette, singing her famous tune, “Stand By Your Man.”
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love this song. But when Dean Martin’s “You’re Nobody ‘Till Somebody Loves You” started to play next, I couldn’t help but wonder: Why the sudden line up of codependent ballads?
It dawned on me then that these songs represent the very hardships that girls my age have been suffering since the day we began raising eyebrows at the opposite sex.??These hardships, of course, are related the opposite sex and our dependence on him.
In Wynette’s song she proclaims passionately, “You’ll have sad times/and he’ll have good times/doing things that you don’t understand.” What should you do about it? According to Wynette, you forgive him. After all, she sings, “He’s just a man.”
Maybe this explains why Ms. Wynette divorced four times. Is the best policy really to stand by our men, regardless of what they do? What if they do us wrong?
Consider a friend of mine who was recently dumped for the second time by the same guy. I won’t go into the sorry details of the breakup or of the relationship itself, however, my friend did things wrong, and her mistakes can be used as an example.
The guy broke up with my friend the first time for reasons unbeknownst to her. She was crushed and devastated and depressed; I’m sure you all know how this feels.But soon he began to creep back into her life with apologies and nice words.
“I’m sorry,” he pleaded, “I don’t know what I was thinking.”
Sadly, she took him back. Silly girl. Especially because the same cycle happened again, and she ended up devastated once more. This should not have been surprising to her, but let it be a lesson to you.
According to Sherry Argov, author of “Why Men Love Bitches”, a desirable woman will prioritize her dignity above all else. When a woman gives in easily, thus giving up her dignity, the man will begin to consider her as less than him.
So I can’t quite blame this boy for breaking up with my friend in the first place. She drove him away by failing to hold her own throughout the relationship.
“A woman looks more secure in a man’s eyes when he can’t pull her away from her life, because she is content with her life,” says Argov in her book.
I remember several instances where my friend would cancel her own plans to see this boy. Her life no longer revolved around herself; it revolved around him. And with this shift she gave up her dignity; a woman who does this will end up either alone or unhappy, and that is a fact.
You may be asking, why all this work on my independence if all I want to do in the end is be married?
As it turns out, your years of singledom may be worth more than you think. Did you ever think of all the things life has to offer while you’re unattached? You may say you don’t care about those things; that marriage is way more important than living the “single life.”
What you may not be realizing is that being single has more to offer than bar-hopping and one night stands. The longer you’re single, the longer your independence has to build itself up. You’ll realize that if necessary, you could easily go through your entire life unattached. Not that most people want this, but it’s important to know you have the ability.
A married friend of my mother’s, for example, has no idea how much money is in her bank account, as her husband takes control over finances. She couldn’t balance a checkbook to save her life. Why is this bad? The obvious answer is that if he were to die or to leave her, she’d be a fish out of water. But also, if a man has to take care of you, it gives him control. After all, financial neediness is no different than emotional neediness, says Argov.
The less dependent you are on him, the less control over you he’ll have. In order to develop and maintain a healthy relationship later in life, you’ve got to be equals in terms of control.
I’m dubious as to whether my mother’s friend is happy in her subservient role as housewife. I, for one, would not be. Giving your independence time (and by time I mean years after college) to grow into itself will minimize the possibility of you becoming like this dependent and likely unhappy woman.
When the time does come, or if you’re in a relationship as we speak, you’ll know that having men in our lives can be wonderful, thrilling and exciting. You just need to place yourself in a situation in which you’re appreciated.
How to do this? Think about what you know you deserve. Be realistic but be generous to yourself. Once you come up with a set of things you know you’re worthy of, don’t ever lower the bar.
According to Argov, it is the attitude you have about yourself that a man will adopt. So if you hold high expectations for yourself, he’ll naturally follow.
If you meet a man who doesn’t meet these expectations, run the other direction. He’s not going to get any better. I’ve known countess females who’ve met guys they think are attractive, funny, etc., yet who refuse to honor the girls’ wishes for fear of commitment. Guys have a way of keeping girls just far enough away (yet still hooked) so that any possibility for actual commitment is erased.
And if you’re frustrated at this situation (which you no doubt will be), don’t try to “talk it out” with him. This will just make him more annoyed and you’ll end up more upset.
“Forcing him to talk about feelings all the time will not only make you seem needy, it will eventually make him lose respect,” says Argov.
For your own sake, move on at the very first red flag. You’ll know when it starts waving. But please, don’t jump the gun on being in a relationship. While it’s certainly a time in your life to look forward to, enjoy the time you have by yourself. You’ll thank yourself if you do, and it may just save you from future heartache.
Contact Campus Press Staff Writer Lauren Duncan at lauren.duncan@colorado.edu
