Graphic by Mengchen Gong
With social distancing keeping us shut indoors and away from our peers, I’m sure your immediate concern has been “how do I find the love of my life in such dire circumstances?”
Have no fear, online dating is here. Forget the exhilaration that comes with meeting someone face-to-face, tender hand-holding, passionate make-out sessions and cups upon cups of shared coffee. This loss isn’t anything to grieve. Pandemics actually make finding true love easier than ever before.
All you need to begin quarantine-dating is a good pick-up line. While laying in bed, text your potential lover, “Quarantine and chill?”
While walking in the park, send them a quick voice-message: “You can’t spell quarantine without “u r a q t.”
And if you are in the mood for a romantic evening, call them and say, “If coronavirus doesn’t take you out can I?”
Welcome to real online dating. With Zoom and FaceTime, taking your love interest(s) out has never been more enjoyable.
First, you can be assured of an uninterrupted view from the shoulders to the scalp line. What better profile to assess your prospective partner? If you are lucky enough to live nearby, go on partner-runs. Shouting at someone from 30 feet away has never been sexier. And if you want to spice things up, take your laptop outside for a romantic evening walk. If his internet cuts out or her device falls into the gutter, take it as a sign that you two just aren’t meant to be.
One-on-one time through your webcam allows you to get to the core of a person’s soul. Don’t worry about how his teeth chatter when he gets nervous or how she grunts while vigorously brushing hers. With a mutable micro-phone, you can talk all the shit you want.
If a certain date leaves you particularly uninterested, don’t worry about the awkward rejection speech. With literal miles of distance on your side, simply say you are committing yourself to “serious” social distancing measures, ones where even zooming might leave you vulnerable to contagion.
Fear unsolicited smooches no more. If she leans passionately into her webcam, you can just end the call. You can also simply say: “I’m just a girl, standing 6-feet away from a boy, asking him to please put his face-mask back on.”
Seriously, folks, with widespread loneliness and all the perks of online dating, finding “the one” could be the easiest thing you do in the next few months.
Contact CU Independent Opinion Editor Vayle LaFehr at vayle.lafehr@colorado.edu.
