Figure 3.1: Two "Swayers" in action. (CU Independent illustration/Natalie Bui)
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What would you do if a stranger came up from behind and started humping you in public?
You’d be pretty pissed, right? Who the hell does that? Or maybe you’d be scared. After all, the stranger is assailing you with the front of his pants; clearly he does not hesitate to physically offend you.
It sounds awful but unfortunately surprise butt-humping happens much more often than you think. To many people, this is called sexually accosting someone. To others, it’s called “dancing.”
We’ve all been there before. The lighting in the bar is extra-poor for optimal beer-goggle effect and the DJ is blasting some Lady Gaga. You down a drink or two and hit the crowded dance floor and within minutes of commencing the booty-shaking, someone’s “disco stick” is already up in your grill.
They’ll refrain themselves in all other situations, but when music gets involved it’s suddenly OK to dry hump you in front of other people.
And did you know that there are different types of these offenders?
There is the classic “Creeper” who discreetly positions himself behind you, and “creeps” his way into your personal space. At first it might be an “accidental” bump, next it’s touching your thighs or your waist, and then it’s straight up grabbing your hips and grinding into your butt! And you still haven’t seen his face!
Freaky much?
Then there’s the “Power Thruster” who pretty much thinks that breaking your back with savage thrusts is an acceptable form of dance.
Then there is the “Swayer” who holds himself against you and sways his hips from side to side to the music. Refer to Figure 3.1 on the right.
I don’t get this. It looks just about as stupid as skipping and holding hands, but is just as offensive as power thrusting.
Seriously, especially on nights when you just want to dance with the girls, these guys are totally gross and it’s really awful.
I’ve gotten tired of saying no and telling them to go away, so I’ve developed a few techniques for defending against surprise butt-humping.
My go-to move is called the “Side Shimmy.” If you have an oncoming offender, you turn to your side. Don’t turn all the way around, or else he’ll think his butt-humping charms have persuaded you. While he is perplexed by whether or not it’d be OK to hump you in the hip, you shimmy away into the darkness.
If there are enough people in your group, you can form a “Wagon Circle,” like the pioneers. However, this often presents an opportunity for the “Ring Master.” When you deny the “Ring Master,” he simply moves on behind the next girl in the circle, and he’ll move all the way around if he has to.
You must have more than two girls to form the Wagon Circle, however. If there’s just the two of you, butt-humpers will assume you’re simply bisexual and even more open to pubic thrust action.
If you’re alone and defenseless, my wingwoman Kristen suggests doing something really unattractive, like flailing or pretending not to have control over your facial muscles.
But what’s the point in going out dancing if you’re spending all night making stupid faces in tiny protective circles?
If you or someone you know engages in surprise butt-humping, I’ve got something I want to introduce you to. It’s called my face. This might sound preposterous, but it has the ability to communicate with you. You should ask it to dance sometime. Chances are you might actually get what you want, and no one has to be molested or kicked in the balls. If my face says no, then you should simply move on to ask another face.
It also might help to learn how to actually dance. I’m not asking you to pull a Justin Timberlake. It’s just that I would rather see you pull some weird funky moves than to get my butt chafed. At least then we could actually have some fun.
Figure 3.2: Women should not enable butt-humpers. (CU Independent illustration/Natalie Bui)
If there’s something I hate more than being goosed in public, it’s the girls who enable this behavior. Refer to Figure 3.2 on the left.
I’m all about female sexual empowerment, but straight up doggy style belongs on the bedroom floor, not the dance floor. Please know that other girls are harmed in the process of your sad excuse for dancing.
Contact CU Independent Staff Writer Natalie Bui at Natalie.bui@colorado.edu.
4 comments
I LOVE this opinion piece- so dead on
Natalie I love you… we should turn the tables and surprise butt hump the dudes!
Good article kid. I think pArt of the problem stems around y’all sucombing to all the assholes out there just because they’re paying attention to you. Might want to try the guy who’s patiently bobbing back and forth instead of waiting to be accosted by the butt humping sleeze.
I rarely comment on an article that I come across; however, one post, that has now been removed, encouraged me to do so. While I consider Bui’s analysis of the bar scene to be spot on, we must acknowledge that the “power thrusters” and “swayers” are exactly what some girls are in the market for. As self conscious human beings, we seek out situations that require minimal communication. Thus saving us from the vulnerability of having to use our words. But nonetheless, regardless of whether “thrusters” are accepted, the existence of such techniques does a disservice to the beauty that is dancing. Done right, dancing allows two people to communicate on a higher level and construct a story with the movement of their bodies. There are actions appropriate for the bedroom and actions that belong on the dance floor, they are not one in the same and for this reason we should never surmise that someone’s quest for intimacy translates into an acceptance of faceless and often time atrocious dancing. To assume this results in a demeaning of sex and dancing alike.