Dearest Dr. Dreamboat,
It’s the season for romance and sparks of love are in the air. Or, are they sparks from fried circuits and exhausted hard-drives? I can’t quite tell.
As a student attending Zoom University, I must confess I’ve found a love deeper than anything I’ve felt before. Gazing deep into the pixelated eyes of my soulmate scholar, I realize that love has never felt more real online. Valentine’s Day will finally be something I look forward to this year, all thanks to Zoom.
You may be wondering, who is my newfound soulmate? Spoiler alert: it’s you, Dr. Dreamboat. The way your home screen glitches, and crashes, simply reminds me that true love is rare. Some students may hear a voice cutting out during important exam information, but all I hear is the melodic rasp of an intellectual, desperately conveying wisdom as if it were their last, dying breath.
My angel of academia, light of my learned loins, cerebral de mon coeur, please…tell me you feel the same. Fifty minutes of your blurry bedhead is worth every penny — out of those thousands of dollars I write a tuition check for. When you freeze on-screen, some students say note-taking becomes difficult. But the only note I’m taking is of your sheer, sexy tech confusion. You’re always trying to solve complex problems, you ruminating rascal.
We’re so electronically in-sync. I’m always first to the zoom room, hooked up and on stream. Have you noticed me expressing my devotion? From turning my camera on to using the “thumbs up” icon, I’ve shown that I’d do anything…for you.
Am I coming on too strong? Your IP address is always on my mind. My bandwidth is only increasing, sitting here all day long on the network. Some students complain about eye strain due to blue light exposure. My love, the lustrous glow from my computer screen only reminds me that love really is blind.
When you share your screen, my heart skips a gigabyte. Although your open tabs are but a glimpse into your personal life, I feel like I know you. The real you. You make me go haywire.
I tried to message you privately, but you never answered. Breakout rooms break my heart. I know there’s a firewall between us now but soon, my HTML hottie, we will be more than virtual reality. What we have is more than an internet connection.
Brainy beefcake, bookish babe, highbrowed heartthrob…we found love in a digital place.
Contact CU Independent Opinion Editor Vayle LaFehr at firstname.lastname@example.org.