Amidst the endless descending of spring snowstorms, I have found myself extremely disappointed in the way the university’s administration has been handling these chilly circumstances. The driving conditions are dangerous, I can’t wear the cute spring clothes I recently purchased, and I’m a walking death-by-icicle-impalement target with each class I am forced to attend. These conditions deeply disturb me, and, frankly, I think I speak for the whole school when I say that the spring snow is a university disturbance that needs to be handled by school officials.
If I were the administration, I would begin with warning emails informing the student body that any signs of snow warrant strict campus closure. These emails would be foreboding and authoritative because, as I have previously described, this is an extremely serious matter. Students will be encouraged to stay home and off of school grounds where the frosty disturbances would be taking place.
Once students are warned, if snow occurs, I expect cops stationed at every entrance of campus making sure that no student squeaks by. “It’s too cold,” the police would announce. “Go home.”
Perhaps the university could invest in some distractions to keep students from causing a frigid ruckus. Maybe they could arrange for a concert to be put on with an artist just irrelevant enough to seem ironic and quirky to attend his show. I’ve heard this tactic has worked well in the past. With students at the concert, they would be less likely to cause a liability through icicle homicide or frostbite.
Now, I know that the school year is almost over and that finals are upon us, but that does not make the sinister threat of spring snowstorms any less prevalent. For as long as the snow pours, the school must shut its doors. It’s really a matter of safety.
Because I don’t see the school taking such actions, I think it’s time we, as a proactive student body, take a stand.
I’m calling for a protest on Norlin Quad. Let’s all gather in our North Faces and collectively shiver. Any traces of a fish fertilizer smell on the grass will be overpowered by the scent of thermoses full of hot chocolate. News crews and photographers will go wild as our water vaporous breath creates a looming, white cloud that hovers over the entirety of our campus.
Our university administrators will hang their heads in shame, as CU goes down in history as the college that refused to give extremely warranted snow days.
Contact CU Independent Opinion Editor Lizzy Hernandez at Elizabeth.email@example.com.