(CU Independent illustration/Kelly Kaoudis)
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Food is better than sex. Now don’t get your panties in a bunch. I’m not saying that sex is bad. Sex can be great. It’s healthy and part of everyone’s diet. If we are going to rank the two though, food comes out on top. Here’s why.
It’s cheaper.
When it comes down to it, the amount of money spent on sex is astonishing. There are birth control pills, IUDs, shots, NuvaRings and patches, just to name a few for the ladies. Oh and guys, if you don’t know how much this stuff costs let me sum it up for you—pretty damn expensive over the years. Then there are condoms, toys, lube and regular STD testing (at least there had better be, people). Not to mention money spent on dates and other gifts for your partner. When you think about it, even a dinner at a nice restaurant costs significantly less.
It’s always there for you.
If you’re hungry, you eat. It’s really that simple. You can cook food, buy food or pay someone else to make food for you and then deliver it to your doorstep. Food is accessible 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, and will never tell you, “No, I’m too tired,” or “Sorry, I have to finish this paper/project/TV show/family event.”
Sometimes, people pay for you to have it.
If your food is being paid for, you are on a date, out with your parents, a food critic or generally being awesome because everything is better when it’s free—especially food. If you’re being paid for sex, well…you are a porn star or a prostitute.
There is infinitely more variety and experimentation.
Chances are, besides that one night you let someone tie you up, did a little role playing, or left strategic items of clothing on (high heels anyone?), there are only a few occasions when your sex life has gotten crazy. Sex, for the most part, follows a similar formula, or recipe if you will. There might have been some partners who were better than others, but I’d be surprised if there has been anything that was really out of the ordinary.
With food, however, there is consistent variety and differences in every menu. No two restaurants make the same dish and the menus usually keep changing. Chefs are trying new and exciting things with food all the time, playing with presentation and generally making sure the experience is as enjoyable as possible for everyone at the table. Oh, and if something isn’t perfect you can send it back. Now, can you say the same applies to your sex life?
There is absolutely no risk.
Unless you’re trying puffer fish, eating is usually a safe activity. Minus a little food poisoning or allergic reaction, there usually aren’t any negative impacts to your health, and even then they are usually temporary.
Sex is a completely different story. Sex can completely change your health and body, and even have life-long effects. Not every STD can be cured, and there’s a little thing called pregnancy that could cause some big changes to say the least.
You can enjoy it in public.
Having sex outside in a public place almost always carries a risk of arrest and more likely embarrassment. Food, however, is generally eaten in public. You can enjoy a meal in your car, on a playground, on your porch, in the middle of a crowded restaurant and even with your grandma.
All hope is not lost. Sex has the possibility to redeem itself. If we applied all the great things about food to our intimate lives, many more people would be happier. So be safe, add some spice and variety and be honest about what you like and don’t like in bed. Don’t become a prostitute or do it in the middle of Norlin. Sex is great, food is greater, but anything is better than dealing with the police.
Contact CU Independent Contributor Emily Zarka at Emily.zarka@colorado.edu.
