Movie Buff: The Phantom Menace 3D

George Lucas is a hack. It almost comes off as impressive that the mind behind one of the most celebrated franchises of the 20th century could ruin such a simple series so thoroughly. When The Phantom Menace first hit theaters in 1999, the majority of its intended audience was far too young to understand the impossible mediocrity they were witnessing; but now a decade later, (and with the help of the third dimension) Lucas’s public mutilation of his own brainchild is too embarrassing and mind-numbing to ignore.

CUI's Samuel Goldner writes on the disappointment of the remmaking of George Lucus' "The Phantom Menace" in 3D. (CU Independent/Josh Shettler)

Even in the opening scene of the film it is evident that Lucas has no idea what he’s doing. Rather than an epic opening akin to the beginning of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (the Rebel starship fleeing hopelessly from the Empire) we get a load of needlessly complicated and boring political dialogue. Besides being overwhelmingly tedious, the plot makes absolutely no sense: it involves a Trade Federation that wants to block trade, an army of droids that fails to kill a single person in the whole movie, and Anakin Skywalker as the immaculate child of space-gods. Hardly any action is taken in the film that doesn’t require the viewer to step back and ask what ridiculous logic Lucas is using to justify this pointless story.

Although the 3D works in a few sections of the film (namely pod-racing and the underwater sequence) it’s difficult to use these as any kind of excuse for sitting through a movie with lines such as, “Will you defer your motion to allow a commission to explore the validity of your accusations?” Trading out exciting and dynamic protagonists Han Solo and Luke Skywalker for characters that range from lifeless (Queen Amidala) to suicide-inducing (Jar Jar Binks) forces one to ask if Lucas even remembers why he started making movies in the first place.

This film represents one of the key ideas taking hold of the film industry, which is the substitution of story for special effects. The original Star Wars movies, although plentiful with special effects for their time, still had a somewhat dusty vibe. The futuristic technology was there, but the films didn’t try to blow you away with how shiny they were.

When Luke first sees the Millennium Falcon, he declares it a “piece a junk” and it’s easy to understand why, with all the rusty edges and discolored patches that came with a 1970′s set piece. The new films are so perfectly edited and green-screened that absolutely nothing feels real. At a certain point the line between live-action and animated movie becomes so blurred that even the real actors can’t help but come off as cartoonish as they attempt to react to characters that aren’t actually there.

Overlooking the obvious gimmick that comes with all the recently re-released 3D movies, Phantom Menace was a milking project even to begin with. None of the magic or excitement of the original trilogy is even remotely captured in these films, and despite some flashy special effects, the final product goes past being so-bad-it’s-good and back to so-bad-it’s-just-really-bad. Adding the color-dulling glasses to the equation simply upgrades it from a stinging headache to a full-blown migraine.

Contact CU Independent Staff Writer Sam Goldner at [email protected]