It’s election week, and the CUI sports staff believes athleticism is an important factor when considering the nation’s next president. In the Election Edition mailbag, we address which candidate would win in a one-on-one battle in six different sports scenarios.
Battle #1: Swimming
(Josh Shettler/CU Independent Illustration)
Neither candidate was on a swim team in high school, so in an Obama-Romney swim race, there probably wouldn’t be any records set in the pool. We do feel that Obama would have a slight advantage, however, and here’s why: Romney likes to wear a T-shirt when he swims. In this story from The Atlantic, Romney is photographed diving into a lake wearing swimming trunks and a T-shirt. We don’t recall seeing any Olympians diving into the pool this summer fully clothed. The T-shirt strategy is not particularly hydrodynamic — plus, it adds weight and would constrict Romney’s arm movement, making his stroke much less efficient.Obama would pull ahead simply because he wouldn’t have to worry about being drowned in cotton. Round 1 Winner: BARACK OBAMA
Battle #2: Golf
Many would consider golf to be a game enjoyed by the elite. It certainly costs money to buy good clubs, join a country club and wear golf attire. Golf is considered by some to be the ‘rich man’s game.’ Therefore, when considering which candidate would win in a game of golf, most would probably say Mitt Romney, whose wealth has been one of his defining traits this election season. However, throughout Obama’s time in office, he has recorded 100 rounds of golf. Obama’s golfing partners have told reporters that he is a good player. Thus, when facing off to see who would come out on top after 18 holes, we expect it would be a close competition.
Here’s a likely scenario: After some smack talking from Romney to start the first hole, Obama hits a hole in one. Then Romney, looking to use a different tactic, switches from his wood to a 3-iron. He wins the next two holes at two below par, with Obama hitting a bogie on the third hole. After the 17th hole, Romney is up by one stroke. The 18th hole is the deciding factor. The wind picks up. Obama swings first — a short but nice hit in the middle of the fairway. Romney tees up and swings. His ball goes high and looks like it’s going to be a perfect shot. However, the wind takes it and drops it into the lake on the left side of the fairway. Obama hits a birdie, giving him the win. Round 2 Winner: BARACK OBAMA
Battle #3: Wrestling
One of the greatest presidents ever, Abraham Lincoln, was also a big wrestler while growing up. Not that being a great wrestler makes a great president, but it can’t hurt. In a wrestling match between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney, there are a few distinct factors that would play into the outcome. Romney has a weight advantage being about 10 pounds heavier, but Obama would be faster. Obama would strike first with a quick takedown using his speed, but in the end Romney would use his weight to overpower Obama and eventually pin him late in the third period. Round 3 Winner: MITT ROMNEY
Battle #4: Basketball
Could you imagine Obama versus Romney in a 1-on-1 game of basketball? It’d be a landslide victory for the president. Obama may be the biggest sports fan of any president that we’ve ever had, and none have hit the courts as often as he has. It’s not hard to find pictures of him hitting a jump shot over the secret service in one of his legendary pickup games. That and he played ball when he was younger. Now I’m not saying Romney is a slouch on the court, but I just don’t see him blowing by Obama as he drives to the basket or hitting a jump shot in the president’s face. Final score: 11-4. Round 4 Winner: BARACK OBAMA
Battle #5: Bowling
A defining characteristic of the 1 percent is an inexplicable penchant for bowling. You’d be hard pressed to find a mansion in the Hamptons or a villa in the Hollywood hills that didn’t have a significant amount of square footage dedicated to a bowling alley. It’s kind of an unspoken code that if you pull in more than $5 million a year, you need your own personal alley. That being said, Romney and his $250 million has at least three lanes in his house, and it’s been rumored that he and Tagg routinely wager up to $10,000 per frame in their mansion that Joseph Smith built. Plus, Barack Obama once bowled a 37 in front of a packed house on a campaign stop in Pennsylvania. This round goes to Mitt. Round 5 Winner: MITT ROMNEY
Battle #6: Boxing
It would take a lot more than Obamacare to heal the wounds of both candidates after their fight was finished, but who would be the last man standing?
Both candidates stand strong at over six feet tall, but Romney has the advantage in height being precisely half an inch taller than Obama. The President weighs in at 176.4 lbs., while Romney weighs in at a sturdy 185 pounds and has the cleft chin of an actor playing a superhero on cable television. But Obama is considered to be one of the fittest presidents in history, due in part to his wife Michelle, who we’ve heard is a great workout coach. The president is a cardio machine who typically works out for 45 minutes a day, alternating between lower and upper-body workouts, cardio and weight training. But Romney is no slouch when it comes to fitness himself, and his coach, Paul Ryan, has abs that make even the most liberal ladies in Congress a little hot. Ryan has been known to do P90X in the House of Representatives gym on a regular basis, so no one would be surprised if Romney pulled off some Kempo X moves in this fight. It would be gruesome, sweaty, bloody and utterly disgusting just like the real campaign — but when it comes down to it, in the heat of the late rounds, Obama’s bright red gloves, which were passed down to him, will make sure Obama becomes one of the greatest presidents of all time. Round 6 Winner: BARACK OBAMA
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Contact CU Independent Sports Editors Caryn Maconi and Ryan Sterner at Caryn.email@example.com and Ryan.firstname.lastname@example.org.
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